MILFF: Hi, I am here for my vagina steaming treatment
MILFF: No, vagina steaming. You know (pointing at the menu)?
Lady: Yes, Vah-Ghee-Nah!
MILFF: Ahh.. yes. Its pronounced “Ver-jai-na” though.
Lady: No. No. We say “Vah-Ghee-Nah” here.
MILFF: (Not arguing with this chic) OK. OK.
Vaginal steaming or smoking claims to reduce stress, fight infections, regulate your menstrual cycle, alleviate hemorrhoids, promote circulation, correct digestive disorders and clear up hormonal acne. Almost too good to be true, all stemming from a smoky vagina? Skeptical. So I researched it more and discovered Gywneth Paltrow endorses it too, like really?
“IT IS AN ENERGETIC RELEASE — NOT JUST A STEAM DOUCHE — THAT BALANCES FEMALE HORMONE LEVELS,” GWYNETH PALTROW
There’s also the scientific school of reasoning that just reduces this to a sham, a hocus pocus treatment for the gullible. It also warns users from potential first degree burns. So I took both reviews into stride and decided to give it a go. I am in Bali afterall and these treatments are not in the commonplace yet. Surely, no harm trying, right?
The lady proceeded to put me in a sarong while she prepares the herbs and coals for the “steaming session”.
She led me to a stool, which has a hold in the middle. It resembles a portable WC, contained in a box. The lady appears again, this time carrying a little device reminiscing of a oil burner, where she has placed hot coals covered with spoonfuls of herbs. She told me that the herbs are a special ancient mix that would help clear my reproductive systems, besides clearing away any odour. The smoke emitted smelled woody and peppery andthe coals looked hot. She proceeded to place the burner at the bottom of the portable WC and invited me to sit on it.
I lifted up my sarong and sat on it as instructed, and jumped right back up! It was too hot! My sacred jewelbox was burning, paranoid of that first degree burns warning! When the lady saw me fanning it out literally, she looked at me sympathetically and say shewill lower the heat by removing some coals. We did this routine several times, where I jumped up and fanned while she removed more coals. Eventually, what remained were about 2-3 medium sized coals. I sat down again still feeling the waft of heat rising but adjusted my bottom from side to side to ease into it. If Gwyneth Paltrow can do this, I reckon I can too as I chided myself. Slowly I eased into it, and instead of clenching my pelvic muscles the first few times, I started to relax and let the peppery fog consume it. Allowing it to do its magical kapoof, my vagina surrendering and sucking up, dreaming the smoke making its way up and doing wonders to my uterus. I felt like I was being irrigated and coming out clean, squeaky clean. I zenned out as Buddha watches on.
Before I know it, the lady pops her head in and announced that my 30 minutes is up. Just before that I felt a tightening of my uterus, a contraction. Strangely I liken it to breast feeding just postpartum, where you feel the quick sharp contractions of the uterus as it contracts back to shape. I smiled quietly, confident now that this therapeutic session is yielding results. I quickly gathered my clothes, changed and skipped and hopped home, excited to tell my hubby all about it.
Hubby welcomed me with a curious smile and wanted to test the result. I was obviously giddy with joy to oblige. He said all he could taste was smokiness, in
response I said, “Like bacon?” and he laughed while keeping focus. Whether or not it was medicinal and effective, it sure was also a good prelude for foreplay. So I would give this treatment review 2 thumbs up. Whether I would do this as an on-going treatment, I am still undecided.
What do you think? Crazy? Or totally for it?